The outcome

Dont do it, Dont do it, Dont do it, Dont do it, Dont do it, thats all that has been on my mind today!

What I do not want to do is something that if done it would move me from being a positive influence for some one i care about to being a pest.

See the debate that has been raging in my mind... and around various living rooms, smokey stairwells and the mobile phone airwaves... has been whether to reveal my feelings to some one i have grown to really care about over the past few months.

Now, as you can already decipher, I have been twisted over a person i honestly thought could be the one.

My only problem is that i cannot get myself to admit it or confront that person with my emotions.

After many debates and conversations i grew the courage and resilience!

I found that releasing these feelings out in to the open actually feel a lot better than just bottling them. A weight was lifted off my shoulders and the fear that I had was unfounded!

The response though... it was another thing all together ;)

It was the response I have been longing for =D

but hold on a second.... lets track back for a minute.... and come back to the real world!

I did muster up the courage and I had the best line ever to do it, or so I thought.

Now this person i have been rambling on about is someone that i like for who she is including all the faults and quirks. The beauty of that person with in shines outwards so brightly that its hard to avoid.

The strength of character and detirmination are so admirable that it is comparable to figures in history that were adored and followed by many of our ancestors and predecessors.

But today all this changed when I was brushed aside by the realities of life, I have had so many chances to be honest and clear from the beginning but now i think it's too late.

I might be slightly dramatizing the situation but knowing my impatient self this is how i really feel.

The dismissal was with out even letting me reveal the truth of how i felt, or even a hint of it. My hesitation was the noose I hung my self with.

From past experience, any attempts to salvage are useless. Strike while the Iron is hot! thats the new rule I will go by.

Over the past few weeks, i will have to admit, I have fallen in love and have fallen hard. All that stuff about love at first sight bla bla bla.... BELIEVE IT !

its true and its out there.

Those who can DO and those who cant TEACH so my lesson to you all is to live and learn.

Live and learn just like i did because if you overcome your own personal insecurities and do all the right steps, like a chess grandmaster, there are unforeseen things that can fudge up your track.

i will now hesitantly post this blog and just move on and try to pick up my shattered self.

The only thing that is going to stay in my mind is: What if i held on and waited some more before I gave up?

But bleh - like one of my oldest friends told me last weekend - just live your life like she never existed and toss her in to the darkest corner of your brain.

clarity

Resolutions resolutions to the ever damning problems!

Since my last post I have come to so many resolutions to untangle myself and return on the path crime busting-ness :p.

Of all the answers I came to this one.

This crap happens to every one! live life, move on and what will happen will happen.

Do not hold on to strings and stop chasing windmills.

I came to the realization that the majority of humanities problems comes from the simple power we have of boundless imagination.

When one sees something one starts to add assumptions and tie unrelated facts to it leading to the person not being able to differentiate between what is real and what is not and finally the person's life skews out of control in to a path that is hard to retract from.

Therefore - if a person goes through the emotional 'roller coaster' and then clears ones mind things can look a lot clearer.

Now go away and listen to Jonny Nash's I can see cleary now to get what i feel like :p

Peace

Twisted

Hey ppl! it has been over a year since I last posted any thing on my blog, its partly due to my new job at The National newspaper. Since we last met i have started on a new chapter which has went exceptionally well for the past 17 months.

However the reason that brings me back to share with you my thoughts has nothing to do with my career or work but with a more personal thing that many of you have already experienced or will surely experience in your lifetime.

Its the twisted feeling that sends butterflies, or more like bats, scurrying around in your stomach.

That feeling that makes you wake up early every morning to be somewhere, you should not be but you go there still.

That feeling which makes you want to give up your sight in just for one more glimpse of that - lets call it subject - :p

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have grown now to understand what these silly romantic flicks were all about. What the hell Shakespear was blabbering about when i was reading him in eighth grade. What our parents talked to us about when we were kids about their relationships.

I would love to explain it to my self in a rational manner but i can not. I even tried to seek answers from many people but none of which were satisfying.

This twisted feeling has haunted my since the last week of December and only grew stronger and harsher with every day passing.

Of late i have become a very short tempered and moody individual - even moodier than i usually am! My chest tightens with every buzz of my fone, i get excited with every blip of my messenger.

Since December my activities have drastically changed - I started reading a lot more than i did before, I became an early bird and turned in to a movie buff!

I have always been these things before but of late I have become intensely engrossed in them.

Knowing my self I can say that I have been through this roller coaster before but it has never been this intense. Its like a roller coaster that has its own mind. A roller coaster that is so unpredictable you would be holding on with the skin of your teeth for bare survival.

I know some of you have looked at your lives like a five chapter book, like i did - Chapter one school, chapter two college, chapter three career, chapter four marriage and chapter five what the accumulation of all these things lead to.

For me this book was ripped in to shreds and turned in to confetti since the last week of December.

For the first time in my life I am now placed in a position where i feel suffocated by my own emotions and held back by fear and indecisiveness.

The me of pre December would have seen it, scooped it, hit it and moved on. The me of today cannot even plan his next day before he checks if there was any possibility of a glimpse.

Its sad, really really sad. I hope for all of you out there not to go through this because its unfair and inhumane.

The sad inevitable end is surely disappointing. I know that because when ever i took a leap of faith in to the unknown it more often than not ended disappointingly.

Nevertheless I will still push onwards and - like a fool - hope for the best :[